


The Way We Are

by KitsuneVen



Series: Haru yo Koi [4]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Drama & Romance, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Future Fic, Introspection, M/M, Post-Canon, Realistic, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Yuzu misses Javi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2019-12-29 23:56:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18304112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KitsuneVen/pseuds/KitsuneVen
Summary: “Javier Fernandez and I are just friends.” Yuzu pauses, ignoring the collective gasps and the shuttered expression on Javi’s face beside him. “But it’s true that I am gay.”In which the skating world is ecstatic with the announcement that Yuzuru Hanyu and Javier Fernandez will be co-founding an elite skating school together in Toronto. Will a scandal get in the way of their success?This series is now complete.





	1. Return

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. The events in this fic are a figment of my imagination, nothing more. I do not presume or claim to know anything about the real life people these characters are inspired by. This work is also not meant to represent any real life people or events. That said, enjoy...

“Hanyu-sensei, please, can you comment on how you will balance the basic skating skills and technical content of training at your new school?” The Japanese reporter is mousey, fidgety, and he looks very disappointed with himself, as if he had planned to ask something else but had changed his mind at the last possible second. 

Yuzu clears his throat sharply. “ _Our_ school will employ the best jump specialists, ice dancers, choreographers, and all-round skating coaches to provide our future students with the best possible training. Our goal is to produce the most competitive and well-rounded athletes.” Javi adjusts his stance next to him, and Yuzu can feel the shift of his body heat towards him. 

The reporter nods, chastised, and quickly fades into the mass of black and gray suits surrounding them. Another, more aggressive one takes his place. This time, the question is in English. 

“Yuzuru, thanks for agreeing to this joint interview with Javier. We are excited as you are about the new school, and we wish you success.” Yuzu smiles politely even as he narrows his eyes at this innocuous opening. “I would like to shift the topic to another subject, if you don’t mind – one that’s been in all our minds and I’m sure the public would like to hear about it briefly. Can you comment on the picture that recently leaked onto the web with you and Javier? We hate to pry, but we really would like to know your thoughts on this photo and…well…what is the nature of your relationship with Javier Fernández?”

The tension in the room is thick enough to cut with a knife. _Finally_ , Yuzu thinks with some degree of relief. _Someone_ is willing to wrestle the giant elephant in the room. 

His mind wanders back to that fateful rainy day in a Toronto cafe as he ponders his answer to this question. 

***

At age 29, Yuzu knew he looked good. 

He was used to getting a fair bit of attention even when he was not recognized for being Yuzuru Hanyu, and thus he barely spared a cursory glance at the young man a few tables down discretely checking him out. Since this was not Japan, the chances of recognition were smaller, in any case. The man was blond haired, blue eyed, and looked to be a bit younger than Yuzu, perhaps in his mid 20’s, and he was fit. However, he wasn’t quite Yuzu’s type. Yuzu quickly tuned him out. The man would realize sooner or later that Yuzu was not interested. 

People often wondered what gender Yuzu was propositioned by more often. The truth was, Yuzu was propositioned more often by men. It’s not that he had more male fans – there were probably more female fans than male. However, Yuzu attracted a certain type of female fan, and these were not often the type to proposition men. Yuzu often attracted a certain type of male fan too – and these were indeed the type to proposition other men. Therefore, he found himself in the arms of men more often than women – it was as simple as that. He still did not routinely seek these kinds of things out on his own – not when there were so many other things that demanded his attention. 

Also, not when his heart was still held hostage by a certain someone. 

He turned his attention out the window of the café. The darkening Toronto sky stared back at him, thickened with thunderclouds, and the light sprinkle of rain on the sidewalk outside filled the air with a scent of light urban dust and new possibilities. And yet, this was the same familiar Toronto in which he had spent eight years of his young adult life. 

Yuzu thought, he never did quite appreciate Toronto until he was gone. 

Thirty seemed like a big age to Yuzu, and it was rapidly approaching. It felt like a grown-up age. He recalled in interviews when he had been 21 and someone had asked him whether he wanted to be married - and he had replied - "Yes, by 25 or 26, I would like to be married." 

That hadn’t happened, obviously. Life had happened. 

Part of Yuzu - the competitive part of Yuzu - had thought on more than one occasion of just accepting one of the (increasingly frequent) arranged marriages offered by his parents. Skipping all the drama and having a child. Making that dream come true. He wished to have a legacy. 

All his life, he had set the tone and been a leader. In this department, however, he felt…delayed. _Deficient_ , even, on sleepless nights when Yuzu had been plagued by dark thoughts. Yuzu had thought that if he worked hard at it -- just like his skating-- it would eventually happen. It hadn’t. 

Yuzu was a genius in skating, but he had realized painfully over time that he was not a genius in love. 

And he has long accepted that he just wasn’t wired the way most people were. 

Yuzu was brought out of his brooding thoughts by the ringing of the bell, signaling someone had just walked through the door of the café. 

His heart skipped a beat when Javier Férnandez walked in. 

Javi looked good. 

Yuzu could tell Javi had kept up a reasonably good training regimen, even all these years after retirement. His black turtleneck clung to him in all the right places, and his leg lines looked sharp in his black jeans. Bits of dewy precipitation clung to his dark hair, which was being kept just a tad longer than Yuzu was used to seeing – possibly by accident, he suspected. 

Yuzu thought the appraisal might have been mutual, as Javi’s eyes traveled down Yuzu’s body in a quick, almost unnoticeable motion before snapping back up to his face, his face lighting up into a bright smile in greeting. 

In response to that smile, the ghost of something which had lain dormant for years squeezed in Yuzu’s chest. 

In Yuzu’s eyes, Javi looked every bit as handsome as he did all those years ago. Fatherhood looked good on him, and the cloak of responsibility was apparent in the way Javi carried himself. 

And yet, Javi’s gentleness was still his most predominant feature, and Yuzu could immediately feel the calming effects of it as he stepped in for a quick hug in greeting, his nostrils and heart filled with the scent which was uniquely Javi. Javi’s hand lingered a bit at the nape of his neck when they parted, and they easily fell into the small talk of catching up.

So much linked them together after all these years, but teaming up again meant something. 

Yuzu laughed a bit to himself as they shuffled around each other to sit down at the table, recalling how many years prior, Brian had called them “complete opposites” in an interview. 

Javi, unlike Yuzu, was what some people would call “low-energy.” He loved sleeping in, taking his time with his morning coffee, and slow Sundays doing nothing. Yuzu wouldn’t call him lazy, but there was an inherent casualness and ease about him that Yuzu, with his chaotic and fretful nature, had always secretly envied a bit. 

There had been quite a few things Yuzu envied about Javi, ranging from his gorgeous quad Sal to his ease of making friends and his ability to make people feel comfortable. In contrast, Yuzu was all drive and intense energy, and often scared other people through prolonged interactions. Although it had been that same intensity that had allowed Yuzu to stay on top of the skating world for so many years. 

They had both been passionate about their sport, but while Yuzu’s passion often spilled out in waves around him, manifesting in continuous triple axels at galas in his younger days, Javi’s passion was hidden behind a casual and friendly exterior. Javi hadn’t hid it on purpose - Yuzu knew he simply hadn’t felt the need to wave it in peoples’ faces all the time. He had displayed it when it mattered. 

Over the years, Yuzu had had quite a bit of time to reflect, and he could see easily then why they had worked so well as a team, and he wanted it back. 

He wanted Javi back. 

Yuzu paused. There were many things troubling about that statement. 

He wanted Javi back as a partner. 

Yuzu had sent the invitation out on a whim. He hadn’t expected Javi to accept. Married people with two kids didn’t just uproot their life to take on a multi-year project in a different country. 

It wouldn’t be good to think along these lines, Yuzu hurriedly reminded himself as they both picked up their menus. Not when Yuzu was still rebounding from his most recent ex and the wounds were still fresh. Yuzu - the young and idealistic Yuzu - had thought that if it wasn’t _him_ , he couldn’t commit. He had been wrong. He could commit – just not enough. 

Javi was studying the menu, fiddling with the frayed edges a bit, before giving the waitress a quick smile as he ordered his coffee. On closer inspection, the dark circles under Javi’s eyes, the gaunt sides of his forehead, and the facial hair which was kept slightly longer these days, spoke to stresses in Javi’s personal life Yuzu could only guess at. Yuzu felt a twinge of sympathy.

“You still have that beard?” the words slipped out, and Yuzu inwardly cringed. 

Javi’s hand went up to his face even as he smiled warmly at Yuzu. “I didn’t have time to shave before getting on the plane. You don’t like it?” His Spanish accent thickened his words sweetly, and Yuzu realized with a pang how much he had missed him. 

Yuzu shrugged lightly, “I can’t see Javi’s face that way.” 

“Marina likes me to keep it a bit on the longer side, even if the baby likes to tug on it,” Javi laughed. 

There was a pause, before Yuzu continued smoothly, “How are Marina and the kids?” 

Javi looked at him, and the complex shades of brown in his eyes shone with something unreadable. Yuzu tried hard to forget what it had looked like when that steady brown had morphed into fiery auburn, just that once. 

It would have been easier if he had never known.

“They are fine. Marina says hi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos? Flames? Comments? Please let me know below - I would love to hear your thoughts!


	2. Emergence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuzu and Javi continue their conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: This fic is a figment of my imagination. It is not meant to reflect real life. That said, enjoy!

“They are fine. Marina says hi.”

Yuzu gave him a skeptical look. The polite wariness of the earlier years between Yuzu and Marina had given way to not-so-obvious avoidance. They were distant but civil towards each other, for Javi’s sake. Yuzu had gathered enough evidence to know he had become somewhat of a sore spot in Javi and Marina’s marriage. 

Yuzu recalled the hushed silences and angry Spanish in the background of the occasional catch-up phone call with Javi after Yuzu’s own retirement almost five years ago. And, to his surprise one time, the sound of shattered dishes. 

Really, she needn’t have worried, Yuzu thought ruefully to himself. He would never want what wasn’t truly his. He was too proud. 

“They said the second kid would be easier than the first, but Marina had a hard time.” Yuzu was brought back to the present by Javi’s voice, “She didn’t like to be left alone with the baby when I traveled.” 

Yuzu nodded indulgingly, even as his brain filled in the things Javi wasn’t saying. 

“Now that he’s over one and her folks are living with us, it’s so much easier on her,” Javi continued, “But I’ve had to get used to it.” He looked at Yuzu, who winced in sympathy, and smiled. “Someday, you’ll see.” 

Yuzu wasn’t so sure about that, but he didn’t respond. He had known about the part about the traveling, though. 

Yuzu recalled the time he had developed appendicitis – approximately a year ago—when he had found himself alone in a hotel room in Tokyo with some of the worst abdominal pain of his life. Yuzu had woken up from his drug induced sleep after surgery and been surprised to find Javier Fernández at his bedside, staring silently at him as if he were seeing a ghost. 

He and Javi hadn’t had any real contact in months.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in Spain?” Yuzu was surprised to find his own voice slurred from sleep and drugs.

Javi started, as if surprised that Yuzu had woken up. He looked as if he had been caught doing something he knew he shouldn’t have been. 

“They told me it would be awhile before you woke up, given how strong the drugs are.”

“Unfortunately, my body has gotten used to pretty strong pain meds,” Yuzu stated dryly, feeling as if he were speaking through a thick layer of cotton in his throat. Noting the absence of Javi’s reply to his original question, he tried again - “Why are you here?”

“Brian told me what happened,” Javi cleared his throat, “I think he meant it as…as an update, but I just happened to have a full staff this week at the school so I figured I could make the trip.” Javi said, as if that answered everything. Yuzu had no doubt Javi would have no trouble finding staff – his school in Spain already had a reputation which attracted even international talent from skating countries such as Russia and Japan, surprising everybody including the Spanish government, who had agreed to another five years minimum of government funding. It was part of the reason why the business people on Yuzu’s side had been receptive to Yuzu’s half-experimental proposals on a future joint venture together with Javier Férnandez. 

But really, Javi flying halfway across the world to see him post-surgery was a bit…

Yuzu wonders what she thought, being left with a screaming newborn at home, and he felt a pain in his gut, indistinguishable from the incisional pain from the surgery. This empathy towards Javi’s wife almost overshadowed the quiet jealousy he secretly hid, tucked tightly away where not even Javi had ever been able to detect it. Almost. 

Sighing, Yuzu sank into his mattress as Javi invited himself onto the visitor’s chair next to his bed, red hoodie obscuring the dark bags under his eyes, and casually continued their conversation as if talking again after all this time wasn’t a big deal. 

Yuzu had allowed it because – well – he had missed him. 

***

“I think we should start with the mid-level to advanced, younger skaters, and build from there,” Javi was saying in the café, tapping an excited finger against the table, a bright glint in his eyes. “I’ve found some great talent that way at my school in Spain, I’m sure you have in Japan as well,” the quiet respect in his voice alluded to the success of Yuzu’s school in Sendai. 

The thing was, even though they had talked idly of building a joint school together since they were rink-mates, the devil was in the details. As with most things in Yuzu’s career, he discovered that although he had immense personnel and resources at his disposal thanks to his unusual success as a skater, he had to know how to use them. If he did not take ownership of the details and grab hold of his own destiny, nothing would truly ever happen. This had been true for the details of his competitive skating career, from music editing to choreography, and it would become true later in other endeavors. Yuzu recalled the endless hours he had spent cropping waveforms to his own skating music programs down to the millisecond. That same attention to detail was also true of finances and business, once he had had the energy and time to deal with them. 

His dream had been to give back to his community in Sendai, but without obtaining the ability to use, or even to understand, the resources at his disposal, that dream would have been impossible. Now his school in Sendai was a success, and he wanted to do the same in Toronto, where he had first truly begun to find his place in skating. 

Yuzu recalled that, immediately after retirement five years prior, many people in his enterprise expected him to only be a figurehead. He was handsome, talented, and a key part of moving the Hanyu enterprise forward. All he had to do was focus on preparing for his shows, and skate as he had always done. 

After several months of doing just that, Yuzu had been bored out of his mind. 

He wanted more. His world was bigger now.

When he had been competing, the thrill and challenge of the next competition had been enough for him. As much as Yuzu enjoyed using his characteristic attention to detail to put on beautiful ice shows for his adoring fans world-wide, he suddenly found that he had the bandwidth to do more in his spare time. He noticed his eyes drawn to younger skaters, evaluating their techniques, and their potentials. 

It was time for the rest of his life to begin. 

Brian, wanting to protect him while he was his athlete, had never warned him how much being a head coach was as much of a business venture or manager as it was about actual skating. How much of it was red tape and paperwork and attending to the details of running a business. The thing is, when they were training in Canada, life had been a simplified version of what it could have been, boiled down to the essential elements of skating and training –rinse and repeat. It wasn’t until after Yuzu’s retirement when he began to appreciate how protected from the complexities of life he had been. 

Yuzu’s father is a quiet yet handsome man who liked to stay out of the spotlight. He had a knack for the practical things in life despite being a dreamer - a quality he had passed onto Yuzu. He did manage to impart some wisdom to Yuzu during the brief time they spent together during Yuzu’s skating career. After retirement, the crash course in business and life Yuzu received from his father also paid off very well in the long run. 

Yuzu found that, as with most things in life when he applied himself, he succeeded.

He was a talented businessman. He forced people to teach him the ropes and asked questions until he was satisfied. He was an obnoxious and yet effective boss. More importantly, he did have a vision for his students. Thanks to his fame, he had the luxury to pick students who inspired him, and for whom he could create a clear vision and a path. 

It had been a very instructive first several years for Yuzu. 

At the time, Javi had already had a few years of experience ahead of him building his school in Spain, and Yuzu regularly sought him out for advice. During times like this, it was as if Yuzu was back to when he first started back at the rink in Toronto, and Javi was his senior again. It seemed that Javi was always a few steps ahead of him in life. While Yuzu lingered behind to try to get the details right, Javi had already moved forward to the next step, and the next. 

Javi had a talent for keeping things simple, and eliminating the clutter from Yuzu’s mind. Although Javi was reasonably book smart, Yuzu most valued his ability to simplify and understand situations. 

Yuzu felt grounded whenever he spoke with Javi. 

Really, sometimes it felt like Javi’s only weakness was his passiveness when stress overcame him—when dealing with Yuzu in recent years. Yuzu tried to remember back to a time when he wasn’t Javi’s biggest weakness. When they had only been the other’s biggest strength and secret weapon. He wondered if it still mattered – after all, strength and weakness were two sides of the same coin. 

Even with Javi’s magical ability to simplify, however, even he couldn’t take a magical eraser and erase all the years of entangled history between them. 

There were times when Yuzu thought he had dreamt parts of the past five years. In an alternate reality, things had not become awkward with Javi; things between them had remained simple.

But in this alternate reality, would this joint school have happened at all? Where would their relationship be without all the history – good and bad—to cement the bond between them? 

The figure skating world was small, but it was just big enough that if two people really wanted to avoid each other, they could avoid seeing each other for quite some time without people noticing something was off. There were plenty of other skaters and people to surround themselves with. There was plenty of work to be done. 

But neither of them could bear to allow the other out of their lives for long.

Yuzu had been the one to request a meeting with Javi to discuss the possibility of a joint school. He had meticulously pulled the strings to bring his life and Javi’s back together again. He knew they were capable of building something great together. Theirs was a relationship meant for more than just a distanced friendship caught between occasional phone conversions and reunions. Yuzu could feel it in his bones, just as surely when he had taken that gamble when he was 16 and reckless; when he had moved his entire life to Toronto on the basis of a kind smile and a beautiful quadruple Salchow. 

Before they got started on the details, though, Yuzuru had to make sure. One more time. 

“You do realize this involves moving your entire family to Toronto?”

“They…are not coming,” Yuzu felt surprise bloom in his chest. This had not been what they had discussed. “Marina decided….that she doesn’t want to interrupt their schooling. But I am. Still coming.” Javi quickly finished, seeing the slight panic rise on Yuzu’s face. Yuzu wasn’t sure if it helped, given that Javi was only telling him this now. 

“What are you saying? Why interrupt a perfectly good life for this?”

Javi didn’t answer. 

Reality was so, so complicated, Yuzu realized. This had not been in any of his calculations. He cleared his throat, changing the subject to give himself some time to process. 

“I think we should include a testing program. It’s not convenient, but it might show who is serious. Nathan said his school has had a lot of luck with that.” 

Unfortunately, he belatedly realized he had chosen a poor subject to swerve to. It was fascinating, watching the expression on Javi’s face sour. He was still such an open book. 

“You know, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Nathan doesn’t have the answers to everything.” 

Nathan was a bit of a sore spot for Javi. Despite being the kind person that Javi was, even the slightest mention of Nathan in recent years had the ability to bring out the worst in him. 

“You don’t know that. I think it’s actually a great idea.” Yuzu immediately felt himself becoming defensive, feeling his full attention being pulled to the present conversation.

“I’m getting tired of hearing people saying his name,” Javi’s voice was now childishly petulant. 

“You would rather that I say yours, instead?” As soon as the words left Yuzu’s mouth, he regretted it. 

Javi’s expression became murky. 

“That would be great,” he said softly, the corners of his eyes tightening. Yuzu couldn’t look at him anymore. 

They sipped their coffees in silence.

Nathan had been the cause of one of the biggest fights in their friendship. 

Yuzu couldn’t remember ever fighting with Javi like that before. Even at the peak of their rivalry, when they had been fierce Olympic athletes battling everything against each other, they had never fought like that.

_You don’t know how he will use this against you._

__

__

_He would never._

__

__

_You don’t know his coach. You don’t know what’s out there, Yuzu. I have seen things you haven’t._

__

__

_Don’t look down on me, Javi._

Yuzu had never fully understood the anger about Nathan, though he could guess. Most importantly, though, he didn’t think Javi had any right to judge. 

Not for something like that. 

A long time ago, Yuzu had not known what he wanted. Yuzu was old enough now to know what he wanted, more than any consolation prize. It was too bad that it had slipped out of his grasp long before he had ever even known to try. 

Yuzu wondered if it was possible to have your heart broken over the course of 15 years, because that’s how long it felt like he had been falling. It was more painful than any fall on ice he had ever experienced.

“ _Habi_ ,” he whispered the old nickname a bit brokenly, like a prayer. Javi’s murky expression finally cleared, and he gazed at Yuzu with warm resignation.

All the things he and Javi had gone through together had their consistencies. And their inconsistencies. 

The quiet rain outside had slowly picked up and become louder, drowning out the sound of fine old cracks widening in the lines of Yuzu’s heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it continues. Thanks for bearing with me. <33 Would love to hear from you, so please kudos/comment below. Tell me your thoughts! Until next time....


	3. Collision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More is revealed. What's next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It is not meant to represent any events or people in real life. Enjoy!

There was a crack in the ceiling of his Tokyo hotel room. 

Yuzu lay on his back in bed as he stared at it, trying to process the events of the past 14 hours. It must have been around two in the afternoon, and the room was so quiet he could hear his own quiet breaths, intermixed with those of Javi’s, who was asleep next to him. 

Yuzu turned his head to the right, eyes drinking in the sight of his unexpected bed partner. Javi’s long lashes kissed his sharp cheekbones, and Yuzu’s eyes wandered down his nose to his jawline, reveling in this rare opportunity to really look at Javi’s handsome features without feeling self-conscious. Javi’s neck muscles moved with each breath he took, and Yuzu’s eyes traveled down to his naked chest and the rest of him, which Yuzu knew to be naked underneath the sheets. 

Feeling a bit overwhelmed, Yuzu turned his head back to continue staring at the crack, which was about half a foot long, and snaked its way across the otherwise immaculate ceiling. Yuzu had marginally registered it during their last round, when he had been on his back, legs wrapped tightly around Javi, too busy screaming the other’s name to pay attention to details in their physical surroundings. 

He inhaled deeply. Javi’s scent. 

It was all around him and on the bedsheets, on Yuzu’s skin, his hair, inside him. It was irrevocable evidence of what they had done, proof of something that Yuzu would otherwise question the reality of. 

Over the past several hours, they had passed out several times, waking up each time to feel the heat coiling up again in their guts, inevitably finding their way back to each other across the king bed, diving back in for more. It was beyond simple hormones—this was a deep need driven by years of pent up frustration. It was as if they were trying to consume each other’s essence within these few short hours, knowing they had a deadline. 

One time, Yuzu had woken up to find Javi staring at him, deep brown eyes mixed with auburn, another emotion in their hidden depths, brought closer to the surface than Yuzu had ever witnessed before. He had been frightened by the intensity in that look even while something in him had responded, something bubbly from the same place as joy. He had closed his eyes, pretending to fall back asleep, before hearing an exasperated huff next to him telling him Javi wasn’t buying it, and feeling himself get pulled back in again for more kisses, more—

Their bodies had become one so many times over the past several hours that Yuzu had slowly forgotten where he ended and Javi began. He had grown accustomed to the way Javi’s body felt against his in a way he had never dared to dream. He had accumulated enough images of them together for a lifetime, burned into his mind in various...positions. With this reminder, he was overcome again with the tight coiling low in his gut— _again_. He took some deep breaths to calm himself. 

This level of chemistry was unheard of, and though Yuzu had had his fair share of physical intimacy with others, he had never experienced anything like this before with anyone else. A funny thought came into his head -- it was good, at least, that they were both Olympic athletes with plenty of stamina. He would be so sore tomorrow, but part of him never wanted that soreness to disappear. 

Exhaustion ate at him, and his heart was beating fast. He needed to hydrate. And he was getting hungry. 

Slowly, he forced his limbs to obey and climbed over Javi’s comatose form to grab the water, gulping down the entire bottle in seconds. Javi did not budge. Given what they had just been through, Yuzu was not in the least surprised. In the corner of his eyes, he caught a glimpse of his phone screen. 

The messages on his phone were blowing up, along with several missed calls. People must be frantic to know where they were. Javi’s phone had run out of battery long ago. 

Yuzu closed the lock screen. _Just a little bit longer_ , silently thanking the “Do-Not-Disturb” sign on their door, and his special hotel access privileges, else they would have been disturbed multiple times by the hotel staff by now. 

What lay beyond the hotel room door was reality. 

Yuzu flopped back into bed and wrapped himself around Javi’s softly sleeping form, feeling their hearts beat in unison as he closed his eyes and sunk back into a dreamless sleep. 

***

“I don’t want to argue with you, Yuzu,” Javi’s eyes were gentle. His voice was so soft that Yuzu was having trouble hearing him over the ambient noise of the café. 

“I don’t want to argue either,” Yuzu mumbled, taking another sip of his coffee. He wrapped his hands around his mug, feeling the scalding heat. “Then why is it like this?”

Javi looked thoughtful. “Maybe we care too much? Sometimes, it’s better to just enjoy something, don’t you think?” He smiled at Yuzu. 

He felt himself smiling back at Javi. People always did say Yuzu had an angelic smile. In that smile, he tried to convey his gratefulness. For Javi being Javi. 

He knew his smile was a little rough around the edges, but he did his best. 

***

Javi arm had been around his shoulder all night, and Yuzu couldn’t stop giggling, despite his mild confusion. 

Javi was being unusually affectionate—even by his standards—leaning in closer than necessary to speak to Yuzu, casually put a hand on Yuzu’s knee, occasionally touching Yuzu’s outer thigh. Yuzu was surrounded by Javi’s scent, and he was in heaven. It was as if all those years had melted away, and they were back in Toronto again, when they first started training together and there were no rules, only warm touches and fluttering excitement in their bellies. Yuzu sipped his hot sake to distract himself, even as he unconsciously pressed closer to Javi for warmth. 

They were in a hotel bar in Tokyo, and it was winter of 2020. They hadn’t seen each other in person since the chaos of the summer ice shows. Yuzu’s official retirement announcement in the spring after Worlds had been much anticipated, although the fanfare was still much more than anyone had expected, leading to several months of media blitz and chaos. After the initial media roar had died down, came the announcement that Yuzuru Hanyu would be doing part two of his Continues with Wings show, and this time with Javier Fernandez’s participation, causing another roar of media attention. 

The show came and went with success, and if their actions towards each other on the show were affectionate yet polite, only the most astute fans noticed. A small subset of fans pointed out that the two’s polite behavior towards one another were possibly due to Fernandez’s rumored impending engagement, but they were quickly quieted by the majority. 

After the show, Yuzu had taken some much-needed time off to re-group his priorities and nurture his newfound business interests. He was building a school in Sendai, and it was like learning to crawl again. He reveled in the challenge. During this time, Yuzu often called Javi for advice. Javi’s school in Madrid had been a hit. Yuzu wanted to know Javi’s secrets, and he listened as attentively as he did when Javi had taught him the secrets of the quad sal. 

They often found themselves chatting about other things too, ranging from skating world politics to Javi’s cat to general life philosophies after retirement. Yuzu was amazed at how open their conversations were now that they were no longer direct competitors. Javi had always felt like family, and thus Yuzu hadn’t felt that he had ever actively held back from Javi. Maybe he had, unconsciously, when they both had much to lose. Now, he was no longer holding back. 

The topic of Javi’s girlfriend had always been a shadow in the background of their friendship, and Yuzu skirted carefully around the topic. Javi, being the sensitive person that he was, never brought her up on his own. Perhaps he sensed Yuzu’s hesitation about the topic. However, Javi was an open book in many ways, and Yuzu could gather the information indirectly in the way Javi talked about his weekends, in the way he talked about his spare time—because Yuzu knew Javi had a companion in everything he did, and it was always her. 

Yuzu told himself he was happy for Javi, and it was a can of worms that didn’t need to be opened. He was grateful for their friendship as it was. He and Javi were closer than ever, emotionally. This was already way more than he had imagined post-retirement life would be. He didn’t need anything more from Javi. 

Then, Javi starting to express doubts about _forever_ , and Yuzu knew that Javi was talking about his girlfriend, and he could only say so much around the topic without addressing it directly. Javi sounded like he needed help, and Yuzu could only offer a listening ear as Javi told him that she needed a break to figure things out. If Javi was the right one. It made no sense to Yuzu whatsoever—why would you need to take a break to figure out if you were going to be together forever? 

Everything Yuzu knew about Marina pointed to the fact that she was a loving person, and there must have been some reason behind the madness. He wondered what she was thinking. Perhaps there had been more to it then Javi had let on. 

And then there was this. The two of them sitting alone in a hotel bar. When they got up to pay the bill, Javi’s hand was placed firmly on the small of Yuzu’s back, stroking in small circles and doing incredible things to Yuzu’s spine. 

Yuzu told himself that he hadn’t known what would happen as they stumbled down the hallway, giggling and slightly tipsy. 

But if he were being honest, he knew exactly where this night was going. 

Yuzu was fumbling for his phone to check for his room number, when Javi was pushed him against the wall of the hotel hallway, forearm against his chest, sharp intakes of breath brushing Yuzu’s cheeks. His darkened brown eyes fixed on Yuzu’s. He waited. 

Containing the thudding of his heart at the assertiveness of Javi’s gesture, Yuzu stared right back. This was the confident side of Javi, casually landing those quad sals and slowly stealing Yuzu’s heart over almost a decade. Who was Yuzu to resist now? 

Yuzu leaned forward and kissed him. 

When he pulled back, he could feel the charged tense energy in Javi’s arm against his chest. There was now a question in those dark eyes, clouded with lust and something else. Yuzu wondered how much Javi was holding back, how much he was keeping himself in check. 

Yuzu decided to be kind. Gently raising his right hand, he grasped Javi’s forearm, and caressed it. Javi’s eyes widened and he shivered visibly. Never breaking eye contact, Yuzu slowly moved down the length of Javi’s forearm, finally reaching his hand and clasped their fingers tightly together.

Really, didn’t Javi know him by now? He never backed down from a challenge. 

Hand in hand, Yuzu led Javi back to his hotel room. 

***

Almost 18 hours later, they sipped on coffees in mutual silence in the hotel room, the first purple of twilight dusting the city skyline. The light scent of sex hung between them. 

A reminder of what they had done. 

Javi was in the armchair, head resting on his hand, his features darkened because neither of them had bothered to turn on a light. He looked wrecked. Yuzu was perched on the edge of the bed, absently picking at a loose thread on the sheet. They were both showered and dressed. They were also both in massive trouble with their respective administrations, judging by the state of Yuzu’s phone. 

“Yuzu, I’ve been thinking for a long time that you’re special,” Javi’s voice broke the silence, cracking uncharacteristically. 

Yuzu didn’t want to hear it. 

“Are you going to marry her?”

“I don’t know, Yuzu, we’re not even going out right now. Look, can we talk—“ 

“If the answer is you don’t know, then no, we shouldn’t talk because this will never go anywhere.” Yuzu’s chest hurt, and he wondered whether they should open a window, because the stale air in the hotel room was causing his asthma to act up. He knew he was being childish. But. Javi acknowledging what had been suspended between them for years, in the same breath as him acknowledging that he was still contemplating marriage to someone else, was too much to bear. 

Javi’s face crumpled like a broken doll. Yuzu’s heart wrung itself in his chest, but he stubbornly remained silent. 

Yuzu could list reasons. The way Javi had seemed happy with her. Yuzu’s skepticism in the permanence of their “break”. His confusion over Javi’s feelings. Javi’s commitment to the word “family”, and Yuzu’s feelings of inadequacy with respect to being able to provide that as a man, compared to Javi’s perfectly respectable girlfriend. The certainty that Yuzu’s future was not going to be in Spain, and Javi’s future was not going to be in Japan. The hurt he felt, and his inability to commit to someone who couldn’t give him a defined future. He knew he was being harsh to Javi, but Yuzu demanded perfection, and his idealism often dominated his decisions. 

Most of all, he was afraid of the possibility that Javi _could_ be his. Then what? In all his fantasies, Yuzu had never thought about what would happen if Javi ever did become his. Would they tell the world? They both cared too much about what people thought. The possibilities were too frightening to contemplate. 

He was Yuzuru Hanyu. He didn’t play a losing game. And despite last night being the best night of his life, he couldn’t see any other way out of this other than loss. What kind of life did he want for the two of them? 

They sat in silence, without a word to each other, each wrapped in their own demons. The moment between them was suspended in the magnitude of what had transpired. 

Yuzu felt like he deserved what he got for things turning out the way they did. 

***

“Have you ever thought about…not hiding anymore?” Javi asked him gently. 

Yuzu had been wondering when this topic would come up. They had talked briefly about Yuzu’s recent ex, and why it hadn’t worked out. For a lot of reasons, it seemed, but the biggest of which was that Yuzu could not force himself to come out of the closet, for him or for anyone. 

“All the time,” Yuzu stated, feeling much older than his age. 

“Then, why don’t you?” 

Yuzu stared at him. _Because I can’t do it without you_ , he wanted to say. He wondered if that was true. 

***

Their night together had been a rude awakening. 

It wouldn’t have been so hard if Yuzu hadn’t liked Javi so much. He now knew what it was like to have Javi, and he had underestimated the impact it would have on him.

Yuzu considered himself a selfish person, but he had his principles. Somehow, doing the deed had only cemented in Yuzu’s mind what they could not have. Whereas before it had only been a vague albeit consuming fantasy, the fact that it had actually happened drove home how impossible the situation was. How unacceptable this one aspect of their relationship was, in their respective worlds. 

He had thought he would be cured of impure thoughts about Javi after awhile. He hadn’t imagined it would be like this, the constant ache in his entire body to be near someone he couldn’t have. And the memories. 

Heated kisses, wild sex—the pleasure the pleasure _the pleasure_ \---and the night ending with Yuzu screaming Javi’s name.

There were many nights after that when Yuzu had wished they hadn’t crossed that line.

He ignored multiple attempts from Javi to contact him after that night. He made sure to never be alone with Javi at social functions. 

Javi had started treating Yuzu differently too, to the point where Yuzu had become a bit overwhelmed. Yuzu sometimes caught Javi’s eyes traveling over his form when he thought Yuzu wasn’t looking. His touches, when they were at the same place at the same time, lingered longer than necessary and held hints of desperation. 

Their prior harmonious balance had been thrown off, and for months afterwards Yuzu felt like they were either swimming through tension as thick as molasses or tiptoeing on broken glass. And on the rare occasions they did see each other in person, Yuzu found himself particularly sensitive to Javi’s scent, Javi’s slightest touch. 

True, Javi was likely the first person he had ever truly loved romantically, but Yuzu was an adult, and he knew that love was not enough. 

Yuzu felt devastated. He needed time to recover. 

He ultimately cut off contact with Javi for awhile, out of necessity. 

It took them a long time for them to re-establish equilibrium in their friendship. Perhaps they never did. 

“I haven’t made the biggest mistake of my life yet,” Yuzu had stated blithely on an interview on Japanese national television many years ago. 

As a matter of fact, now he had. 

***

Javi married her. 

He married her, impregnated her, and then fully immersed himself in family life.

Yuzu had been inundated with a flood of baby pictures on Instagram. This was interspersed with wedding photos of Mao, Miki – even Shoma, who had been snatched up by a wealthy older female patron the minute he announced his retirement. All of this had served to make Yuzuru feel incredibly bitter, and lonely. He only had the pieces of a broken friendship to hold onto, to replay the images of _that person_ in his head on repeat, until he had a mental broken record playing in his head. 

Javi had shown him love first, but in the end, Yuzu had loved him more. If love can be quantified. 

He was not presumptuous enough to assume he knew Javi like a lover. He didn’t know Javi like his wife knew him. 

When he was finally sick of being alone and jealous, he found Nathan Chen. 

It was the masochistic part of Yuzu—the part that liked a challenge—that initially sparked his affair with Nathan. Through his experiences with Javi, he knew he often felt various kinds of attraction to worthy rivals. And mostly straight men. Mostly. If Nathan had never met Yuzu, he likely would have never been with a man. 

Yuzu had picked up early on – as early as the Worlds 2019 Championship—that Nathan might be attracted to him. He had a slight deferential attitude towards Yuzu, a slight attention towards him which was just subtly more than one would expect – which had given Yuzu pause. 

At the time, Yuzu had been in too poor of a headspace to do anything about it. He had been too bitter about losing to Nathan, too engrossed with the fresh loss of Javi through retirement, to even consider it. 

When Yuzu saw Nathan again at a function in Moscow in 2021– after almost a year of celibacy and frustration and bitterness toward the situation with Javi, he decided to remedy that by casually inviting a surprised Nathan out for drinks. 

What had followed had been a great night of mind-blowing drunken sex, with only a small amount of regret the next morning on Yuzu’s part. However, as he had awakened to stare at the curly tuffs of black hair on the pillow and solid naked body next to him, he had felt somewhat comforted by the presence of someone familiar, who could potentially be more than a one-night stand. 

He felt good. Nathan Chen was kind. 

In some ways, he gave off a similar vibe to someone else Yuzu was trying hard not to think about. 

In return, Yuzu had been completely honest with Nathan, that he couldn’t give Nathan _all of him_ , and it would likely never be forever. He could tell Nathan had hoped for more, but he accepted what Yuzu was willing to offer. 

What they ended up having was an on-again, off-again _thing_ which usually happened only when they were conveniently together in the same city at the same time. It was a shadow of a real relationship, but it served their needs at the time. 

That was, until Javi walked in on Nathan pinning Yuzu against the wall in a side hallway at the GPF 2021 banquet. His face had turned ashen, and he had immediately walked away. Minutes later, Yuzu had received a terse text from Javi asking if they could _talk_. 

They were on talking terms again at that point, but what Yuzu hadn’t expected had been a blow-out fight in which Javi had accused Nathan Chen of trying to defame Yuzu. Yuzu had been shocked, and had fought back hard, defending Nathan. 

Subsequently, Nathan had become another one of the forbidden topics between them. 

Yuzu didn’t know what he expected would come out of his relationship with Nathan, but he was not surprised that it did not end up working out. 

Nathan came from a hard-working immigrant family who only ever expected him to bring home girlfriends – not boyfriends. As time went on, their expectations of each other were slowly increasing. As the older person in the relationship, Yuzu felt the responsibility to finally call it off when he felt that they were sinking a bit too deeply beyond their scope. The parting was initially met with some frustration on Nathan’s part, but long-term had been amicable enough. 

It had helped that they had set expectations at the start. They are still very friendly to this day. 

When it was all over, and the feelings of the moment faded, Yuzu was once again faced with the dark abyss of loneliness, staring at the locked box containing his love for Javi. 

***

Their coffees were getting cold. 

“She wants to separate,” Javi blurted. 

Yuzu didn’t say anything. 

“She says I am a ghost of my former self,” the dark circles under Javi’s eyes told much more than mere words could.

“Are you?” Yuzu asked.

Javi was silent for a moment, as if contemplating his next words. The rain outside had stopped, and there was a hint of a fresh breeze wafting into the musty café. Yuzu gazed at Javi. His mind was blank, but his heart was full, like always when it came to Javi. 

“Without you in my life, I think I am,” Javi whispered. Slowly, he reached across the table and grasped Yuzu’s hand, which had still been curled partially around his long-forgotten mug. Gently, he cupped Yuzu’s hand in his larger hands, and brought it to his lips, kissing his palm gently like it was something infinitely precious. Yuzu shivered.

“I just want us to build something together, Yuzu.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Kudos? Flames? Please let me know! I love hearing from you.
> 
> Update 4/12: Thanks for sticking with me, and I'm really excited for this next chapter. However, it will be another couple of days yet before it is released, because real life has become crazy and I have a few deadlines coming up this week. In the meantime, please tell me your thoughts in the comment section - it really serves as a huge encouragement to hear what you guys are thinking!


	4. Release

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here it is - the beginning of the end. But isn't every ending a new beginning?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It is not meant to represent any events or people in real life. Enjoy!

It was a beautiful picture, really – if it hadn’t served such a terrible purpose. 

There they were - captured perfectly in that moment in the café. The light caught Yuzu’s face, giving it a warm glow. There was no mistaking the soft look in his eyes as he gazed at Javi. And Javi’s face was all wild Spanish charm and chiseled features, his mouth was against Yuzu’s palm, eyes closed, brows furrowed, the tender and pained expression on his face saying everything. 

It was the picture Yuzu had always wanted with Javi. 

And it was being posted all over the Internet and reprinted in sports newspapers all across the world. 

***

Angry Spanish drifted from Javi’s cell as he held a rapid-fire conversation with the other person—it sounded like some kind of lawyer or manager—on the line. 

Yuzu and Javi had been interrupted during their second meeting, this time in Javi’s hotel room, several days after their initial café meeting. The purpose of the second meeting had been to dive further into logistics on their school. 

They had been discussing strategies for hiring specific instructors when their phones had suddenly erupted into texts, pings, and phone calls. A quick perusal told them it was about some leaked photo. 

_The_ photo. 

Neither of them had seen it until that moment. Their eyes had met in a second of instant, terrible understanding. Each had known exactly what was happening. 

Then, all hell had broken loose. 

Eavesdropping on Javi’s distressing conversation, Yuzu’s heart sunk. His Spanish was crap, but even with his limited understanding, he caught the word “familia” several times. 

Javi was looking shell-shocked, phone gripped tightly against his face with his right hand, rubbing his face with the other hand, looking as if he was desperately trying not to cry. Yuzu looked away. He couldn’t imagine what it must be like to have kids, and to have this kind of gossip be out there for his kids to understand one day. This had been nowhere in Javi’s plans, to be sure. Yuzu's mind spun. 

Javi hung up the phone. 

He looked devastated. 

“I won’t be able to see my kids for awhile,” he whispered brokenly. 

Over the years, Yuzu had been intimately acquainted with what heartbreak looked like on Javi. He knew what missing the podium looked like, what his home country not appreciating a young Javi’s hard-earned skating achievements looked like, what each fall and disappointment along his career looked like, even what Javi thinking his then-girlfriend-now-wife was breaking up with him looked like. However, he had never seen this expression on Javi’s face before. Seeing it, Yuzu finally understood that loving someone was about. 

It was about preventing this kind of expression on their face. 

He needed Javi to stop looking like that. He would do anything to never see that expression again. 

***

Yuzu’s own administration been politely but adamantly skeptical of Yuzu’s denials of his and Javi’s relationship. Although Yuzu continued to deny it vehemently, there were those who had been around long enough to remember what it had been like to deal with Yuzu after interactions with Javi during their awkward period. A few of them had even been with him in Tokyo 2020 when he had disappeared with Javier Fernandez into a hotel room for 18 hours. 

It turns out that people had long memories for that kind of thing. 

Over the years post-retirement, Yuzu had slowly relaxed and shown the public parts of himself he had kept strictly hidden when he had been an active competitor. He never said anything explicitly, but he showed certain things in his actions – gentle flirting with surprised male television hosts, smiles directed at male skaters and celebrities he found attractive, a noted absence of interest toward women. He didn’t think most of the fans who had been following him for years would be surprised upon confirmation of his preferences, but this was precisely the kind of unfortunate circumstance which perpetuated and worsened the now full-blown scandal with Javi. 

“Hanyu-sensei, we need to do something about this. We will lose students before the school has even opened--” Yuzu interrupted him with a sharp clearing of his throat. 

“Have my skating skills gone down? Have people disenrolled in the Sendai school?”

“N-no..”

“Have Javier’s students left him?”

“No sir, but you know that this is not what this is about.”

“Then why do you think we will lose students?”

“I’m concerned that parents might not want their children training with…”

“With what?” His voice was cold. 

Guilty silence met him.

***

The hardest to deal with were the messages from Japan, his beloved yet conservative home country. 

Various newspapers and online sources denounced Yuzu as a threat to Japanese family values. They depicted Javi as a demon foreigner who had corrupted their pure prince. Both their names were being dragged through the dirt. 

Yuzu worried most of all about his family. At least he was staying in Canada for awhile, a safe distance removed from all this. His family had to bear the brunt of it in Japan. 

“Are you eating enough?” His mother sounded strange on the phone. Her voice was slightly muffled, as if she had been crying. Yuzu felt the lump acutely in his throat. 

“I am,” he doesn’t think he can continue, “Have you been following the news?”

There was a long silence on the other line, then came the weak, “Yes.” 

Yuzu sat looking skyward, fighting tears. This situation was the hardest on his parents, who had proudly raised a son who had accomplished everything they had dreamed of and more, only to have this one little flaw ruin their pride. 

“Yuzu,” his mother’s voice brought him back, “Yuzu, we believe in you. We always have.” 

Yuzu didn’t trust his voice to respond. 

“Don’t force yourself too much for our sake.” 

Yuzu broke down crying. 

***

The messages of support came from the most unexpected of places. There were thousands of messages on Twitter and Instagram, from anonymous albeit caring strangers. Yuzu felt comforted still. His phone was constantly buzzing with messages from well-wishers both outside and within the skating community. 

Shoma had sent him a message saying that Yuzu shouldn’t care about gossip, it will blow over soon. But he did hope Yuzu was happy, whatever he was up to. 

Nathan had sent him a message of condolence of how “blown up this whole thing has become.” But in the same sentence, he echoed the “I’m happy for you”, as well as a slightly bittersweet “so this is what it is took to steal your heart” followed by a wink emoticon. Yuzu had stared at those words for a bit. 

Even Boyang had joined in the ruckus, sending him message after message --“!!!!” and “heartface I KNEW you were one of us” and “can you teach me your secrets in bagging the most handsome retired skater back on the market?? XD” Yuzu had felt very uncomfortable with the last part of the message. Apparently, word of Javi’s previous marriage troubles, current separation and impending divorce had somehow leaked as well. It had made Yuzu feel nauseated and uncertain. 

He decided to focus instead on the mild amusement he felt about Boyang’s candidness. He had known about Boyang’s sexuality since almost the beginning, but of course, it hadn’t mattered because skating always came first. Boyang had his own battles to fight, in his own country. 

None of them had it quite right. But they weren’t entirely wrong either. Yuzu didn’t really know. 

***

“Was that your family?” Javi asked simply, when he found Yuzu crying with his head bowed, phone loosely held in his hands. 

Yuzu couldn’t answer, he was too far gone. 

Before he knew it, a pair of strong and warm arms enveloped him. He collapsed into those arms, and the tears came faster. 

In his darkest moments over the years, Yuzu had sometimes taken to writing letters to Javi – letters which he knew Javi would never read - because he never sent them. It didn’t matter, somehow, that Javi would never read them. Yuzu had been lonely, and sometimes the dark secrets of his heart just needed a chalice. Before things had become too complicated, Javi had been his confidant. It made sense that – during the years when Javi had no longer been an active part of his life – that Yuzu would continue to pretend that hadn’t changed. At least secretly, to himself. 

Now that he had the real Javi in front of him, Yuzu sometimes forgot what he had told the real Javi and what he had told dream Javi. 

But his dream Javi had never felt so warm and solid holding him like this. Dream Javi also never felt so calming, even as tears spilled down his own cheeks. Dream Javi had also never had a family which could be hurt by their actions. Dream Javi had certainly never been such a mystery. 

This was the real Javi. They needed to talk at some point.

Their bodies separated, and Yuzu put his hands on Javi’s face. Dear, precious Javi, who was suffering so much himself, and yet who was here with him now. He couldn’t remember if Dream Javi had ever been this selfless. 

Yuzu was temporary filled with a wave of fondness and intense emotion. It was almost too much. 

He leaned forward, his cracked lips just brushing the stubble on Javi’s cheek, and he couldn’t help but let out a small gasp as Javi turned his head and his own lips grazed the corner of Javi’s lips. _Javi’s scent._

They separated, and the moment ended. 

There was no judgment in Javi’s eyes as they looked at each other from what was now a socially acceptable distance. Only understanding. 

Yuzu’s heart shook.

***

The Canadians were too nice to openly talk about it with him given the obvious discomfort it caused him, but some did in subtle, caring ways. 

Brian asked to meet with him, stating that he hadn’t wanted to draw conclusions based on what he had heard, but whatever happened, Yuzu would always have his support. He was also not so subtle in hinting that he had experience in this area, and he wanted them to meet up to talk about this when Yuzu was ready. 

Yuzu agreed to chat with him, soon. 

It was good to know he would forever be Brian’s student. 

***

Yuzu had not been in a good place when he had lost to Nathan Chen in the World Championships in 2019. 

His first reaction had been disappointment. Then, confusion. He had grown used to the idea of “after a long darkness, spring will come.” He had assumed “spring” meant victory. He hadn’t calculated what would happen if he lost.

The loss had meant more than losing a gold medal. This competition had been about proving that he would be fine without Javi. 

In the end, it had been about the salchow. It had always been about the salchow. Yuzu could measure eras in his life based on the salchow. Before he knew how to land the salchow, when he had chased Javi’s salchow across the oceans to a foreign land to learn it. While he was learning the salchow from Javi--the only person who had ever moved him enough to change and improve himself, stirring the first flutterings of admiration and love. And finally, when Yuzu had been struggling to hold onto the salchow--after Javi had left--the feeling of loss drowning Yuzu has he tried to maintain consistency in his salchow despite the absence of his training partner. It should not have come as a surprise that Yuzu’s salchow at Worlds came out reflecting how he felt – truncated, confused, barely holding on. He had said of the salchow in his free – “it was not perfect, but I forgive myself.”

It had been all Yuzu could do—try to forgive himself. 

There had been the knock on his hotel door, and Javi had stepped inside with a knowing look on his face. 

Having Javi in his room would have been a dream in any other situation, except this one, when Yuzu had not in the correct headspace to enjoy it. 

“I wish I was better. I need to improve.”

“Yuzu.” Javi had looked at him with such a tender expression. 

“What?” He had mumbled around barely held back tears. 

“You are the best. In my heart, and in everyone’s hearts.” 

Javi had always been the best at saying the exact thing that Yuzu needed to hear.

***

Yuzu wanted to protect Javi. He wanted to protect Javi’s family. Yuzu would rather die than to let Javi take this metaphorical bullet for him.

They were alone in the anteroom. On the other side of the doors stood an entire gang of media and press, eagerly anticipating the press conference whose purpose nominally was to discuss their joint school. Everyone knew what the press conference was really going to be about. 

Sometimes, to distract the press from something too close to home, you must throw them a bone--another truth—too good to ignore. 

Yuzu had been dealing with the press for the past 20 years of his life. He was a professional. 

Perhaps this was the incentive Yuzu needed to do what he should have done a long time ago. 

Next to him, Javi was shifting his weight from one foot to the other, not unlike the hundreds of times Yuzu had witnessed him gearing up for battle before stepping onto the ice rink during competition.

Yuzu didn’t know who initiated the hug, but there they were, a quick hug before the storm. Javi’s hugs would always feel like home. It was always Javi, who pulled him out of the darkness. 

“I love you,” Yuzu said simply, the words dropping from his heart like the relief of an ancient heavy weight. He felt lighter than he could remember in years. Smiling softly, he put a hand to Javi’s face. “Thank you for being by my side.” 

Javi’s eyes widened, a caught off-guard expression on his face. "Yuzu, what--"

Yuzu’s hand dropped from his face just as the door opened, and the media crowded in.

Yuzu turned to face them calmly. He had a game plan. 

After a long winter, spring will surely come.

***

“What is the nature of your relationship with Javier Fernández?” The reporter asks.

“Javier Fernández and I are just friends.” Yuzu pauses, ignoring the collective gasps and the shuttered expression on Javi’s face beside him. 

The lights in the room are stifling, but he feels eerily collected. Javi is beside him. What is there to be afraid of? 

With a deep breath, he continues, “But it’s true that I am gay.”

The room erupts into complete and utter chaos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Kudos? Flames? Please let me know! I love hearing from you.
> 
> Sorry that this chapter was relatively shorter than the previous, but this was a necessary, albeit painful chapter. DON'T LOSE FAITH. Hopefully, more to come soon. Thanks for reading!


	5. Rebuild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did the sky fall down? If so, how do you build it back up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: This is fiction - a figment of my imagination. It is not meant to represent real life or real people. That said, enjoy!

Yuzu doesn’t know what he expected, but the sky has not come crashing down. 

In fact, it has stayed very much above the clouds, and has remained beautifully blue. He and Javi are gazing up at it, lying on the grass together in the secluded courtyard behind the building in Toronto destined to be their future school. The location hadn’t been announced publicly yet, so they are safe from the prodding eyes of the media. It is springtime, and the air is warm, slightly moist, and full of possibility. They are both barefoot in shorts and t-shirts, and the sun shines on Yuzu’s face as he squints into it. 

Yuzu is acutely reminded of the blue skies of Barcelona all those years ago, and he is hit with a heavy wave of nostalgia. Who knew that Javi—young and handsome Javi who had sat next to him on that seaside bench all those years ago—would still be the person lying next to him now, emitting the same calming warmth, as always. Yuzu wants so much for Javi to be his safe harbor, but he doesn’t have the courage to jump. 

Yuzu is bruised, battered, and bloodied—emotionally and spiritually, but he is still here. He is breathing the beautiful spring air, and listening to the birds chirp, and feeling the soft breeze on his skin. 

He is too much of a fighter to quit and allow _them_ to win. 

Javi is very quiet beside him. Yuzu has always found Javi relatively easy to read, and it isn’t hard to tell that Javi has many thoughts on his mind. When Javi is stressed, he projects his stress outwardly and fumes. He is not quite fuming right now, but there is a black hole of energy coming from him, a knawing question. 

“How are you, Yuzu?” Javi finally asks simply. Yuzu doesn’t need to turn his head to look at Javi’s face to know what it looks like. They are lying so close their shoulders are almost touching, and Yuzu thinks it would be so easy to just roll over slightly and close that gap. He doesn’t. 

Instead, he bites his bottom lip, pondering. 

***

The floodgates had opened to every possible attack Yuzu had deflected over the years. 

Yuzu had enjoyed unprecedented fame over the course of his skating career, more than any other skater in history. However, the brighter the light, the darker the shadows. There had been more than enough people—motivated by jealously, fame, and greed—lurking and waiting in the shadows for their chance to strike. 

In coming out as gay publicly, Yuzu might as well have nailed himself on a wooden cross for them to come harvest him. 

It didn’t help that Yuzu’s androgynous appeal had been a double-edged blade all throughout his career. 

When Yuzu first won Japanese nationals in 2012 as an innocent but hungry teenager, he had been shocked and traumatized by the accusations of “boy prostitute” by people who were dissatisfied with his position on top of the podium. When he won his first Olympic gold in Sochi, there had been whispers in the background that his free program hadn’t been enough to deserve the win, and that perhaps his appearance and _appeal_ had given him more of an edge than they should have. These whispers hadn’t ever been quite enough to significantly affect his sponsorships when he had still relied on them, but they had been enough to cast doubt on his credibility every once in awhile. Even when Yuzu had won again and again, broken record over record over the years, it was still never quite enough to eradicate these rumors completely. It wasn’t until his second Olympic gold in PyeongChang when these whispers had significantly quieted, and he had established himself as the Absolute Champion—someone credible and deserving of his accomplishments over his career. 

But now, those who had slid back in the shadows were emboldened by his newest revelation, and took the first opportunity to pounce and imply that he had won his two Olympic golds somehow…through unfair means. Yuzu’s blood ran cold at the things they were trying to imply. 

It wasn’t that Yuzu cared so much about what people who had nothing to do with his gold medals thought. 

However, it wasn’t a secret that Yuzu cared about his gold medals. 

Yuzu had the heart of a champion. He was extremely proud. He had earned his gold medals with every drop of hard-earned sweat and blood pumping through his arteries, and he would normally rather have died than allow someone to step on his pride through slander and disparagement. 

However, they say that a person’s pain tolerance increases dramatically when that pain is taken on behalf of someone else. 

When Yuzu had come out of the closet in front of the entire world several weeks prior, Javi’s family issues had all but been forgotten, allowing Javi to travel back to Spain and reconnect with his family safely. Yuzu had a feeling Javi hadn’t gone quite willingly given the mess he was leaving behind, but those in Javi’s administration had taken the golden opportunity, with a quiet nod of acknowledgement towards Yuzu’s way, to shuffle Javi onto the first flight to Spain possible. Most importantly, Yuzu was relieved to hear later on that Javi had been able to see his kids, and reassure them of his continued presence. 

Javi was gone for weeks. Yuzu refused to call or answer any of his calls. It didn’t feel right. 

They both knew why Yuzu had done it. Yuzu saw no point in talking about it, now. 

Yuzu himself had been swallowed alive by the media and press – something he had anticipated. He had been booked morning until evening with interviews, press conferences, and other media appointments, answering question after invasive question. Under normal circumstances, Yuzu would have been livid at this blatant intrusion of his privacy. However, in this particular situation, he invited it with open arms, as any attention to himself was attention drawn away from Javi and his family. 

When asked about Javi, Yuzu was notoriously tight-lipped. 

“He has a family. He has nothing to do with this. Please respect his privacy.”

Somehow, the fact that he was on a mission to protect Javi distracted Yuzu from one of the painful tasks he’s ever had to accomplish in his adult life – laying himself bare in front of the world. 

Honestly, it had everything and nothing to do with Javi. In a way, this process had been necessary for Yuzu to move forward as a human being, independent of his feelings for Javi. 

In the end, Yuzu was also doing it for himself. 

It had been about time Yuzuru Hanyu stopped hiding. 

***

There were days when Yuzu would lay on the floor of his new Canadian flat alone, crying. He had refused to allow his family to come to Canada to visit him, for fear they would be affected or worse, hurt. He had promised them that he was fine, and that they could visit when things calmed down. 

He was not fine. 

One day, Brian knocked on his door. Yuzu wasn’t sure how he even found his address, but he had. 

“I got tired of waiting for you to contact me,” Brian said as he let himself in, not even blinking an eye at Yuzu’s red eyes and disheveled state. There wasn’t even any furniture in the flat yet, and nowhere to sit. Yuzu nodded to acknowledge him, but did not lift his eyes to meet Brian’s. 

There had been a long awkward pause, Brian silently gauging the Yuzu’s mood, and Yuzu trying hard to pretend that he couldn’t feel anything. Finally, Brian sighed significantly. 

“Sometimes, we can’t live our lives for others,” Brian said gently. “I know you care more than anyone else. That’s why it’s so hard for you.”

“I don’t care,” Yuzu stated blankly, feeling the croak in his voice from disuse. He cleared his throat, “I don’t _want_ to care.” He wondered whether Brian could see how little sleep he had gotten. He felt like his brain was floating with a field of cotton. Given enough lack of sleep, he could convince himself he didn’t care, because he couldn’t _feel_. His next media appointment wasn’t for another two days, and he had another two days before he had to make himself presentable again. 

He could feel Brian’s stare burning a hole through the side of his face. He willfully refused to turn his head. 

“There are very few things in life which can bound and chain you the way you think,” Brian finally groused, thoughtfully. “When I was young, everything chained me. Later on, I knew better.” 

That got Yuzu’s attention. He whispered, “How did you do it?” 

“It’s like ripping off a bandaid, really. It hurts like hell. But it’s got to be done.” Brian looked at him sympathetically. 

Yuzu wondered whether his younger self had known that his choice of coach would eventually lead to some useful life advice sometime in the future, when he really needed it. His 16-year-old self, who had idolized Johnny Weir’s androgyny and freedom of gender expression, may have suspected that he himself would be different from everyone else. He gave himself a pat on his back, even as his mind fog could not process Brian’s words until later. He was so tired. 

“We are our own captors. Sometimes, we have to let ourselves be free.” 

***

“Yuzuru is one of the bravest people I know, and a special person in my life,” Javi posted unexpectedly one day on his Instagram, despite having been notoriously silent on the subject of Yuzu on his account since the 2014-2015 season. 

Javi, even without any contact from Yuzu, was trying to use his considerable Instagram influence to help Yuzu from Spain. 

“Let me make one thing clear. I won’t forgive anyone who hurts Yuzu.” He continued in an uncharacteristically long written message, “Yuzuru Hanyu is one of the most honorable people I know. If you’re going to attack him, then you need to attack me too. Yuzu has lived his entire life with honor and integrity, like the true champion he is.”

Other skaters, fans, administrators, and public figures across the world quickly joined Javi, chiming in with their own messages of support, until there was a whole cacophony of support pushing back against the tide of negativity. The LGBT community quickly joined in, championing Yuzuru as one of their own, as a hero, leader and figurehead. They praised Yuzu for his courage. 

With incredible pressure from the public, the ISU and JSU also released general statements regarding inclusiveness and diversity of sexual orientation in the field of figure skating. 

Yuzu closed his eyes and let these messages wash over him, lifting him up from the dark edges of depression he had been precipitously close to falling into. 

***

She was the last person that Yuzu had expected to hear from.

Yuzu had blocked Javi’s cell number, to stop himself from the temptation of checking for phone calls and messages from Javi. 

But he hadn’t recognized her number. Yuzu’s own private cell was surprisingly kept private, such that if he received a call from an unknown number, he just assumed it was an agent in his company that he hadn’t directly communicated with before. 

It wasn’t an agent. It was Marina.

Her English was limited, but it was enough. Yuzu stood with the phone against his ear, just breathing, listening to the women who had been Javi’s life partner for the past 5 years. For some reason, he couldn’t summon up any other emotion other than gratitude. 

“I let him go first, you know,” she said, “I was in…how you say it…denial? I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it before we got married. How much was there.”

“How much _what_ was there?” Yuzu was almost afraid to ask, but his curiosity got the better of him. 

“How much his past with you mean to him. How much _you_ mean to him.”

Yuzu couldn’t say anything past the lump in his throat. She didn’t wait for a reply before she continued. 

“He was such sweet boyfriend,” there was wistfulness, and more than a bit of pain in her voice. “I couldn’t imagine that there could have been anyone else in his heart.”

Yuzu felt like he had gone mute. He hadn’t known that Javi had thought of him that much. He had assumed he had been a source of comfort for Javi during the time he and Marina were on their break. If Yuzu were being completely honest, he would admit that he and Javi had always had the possibility of being more than friends, but that didn’t mean what Javi had felt for him should have been enough to threaten his primary relationship with his girlfriend and future wife. Perhaps, he had underestimated what Javi had felt on his side. Or, he had willfully ignored it. 

“He tried hard, you know, for many years,” Marina continued. “It wasn’t until our second baby when I knew for sure. Before that, things were difficult, but I thought it was nerves from our first baby. Baby taking all our attention. No time to be together. You know.” She struggled to finish. 

Yuzu didn’t feel like he had anything he could say to that. 

“Javi tell you we take break before we were engaged, yes? We weren’t together for awhile. I was…doubting. Then he came back and proposed to me, I was surprised. But the…sex wasn’t the same. Javi usually loves it. You know.” She paused significantly. 

Yuzu’s heart was jumping out of his chest. 

“Do you know why we took break? Before our marriage?”

“No,” Yuzu stated blankly. 

“Because he accidentally called me ‘Yuzu’ once. When he came home tipsy and we had sex, he accidentally called me by your name.” 

Yuzu gulped. That had been before he and Javi had sex in Tokyo. Javi had thought of him in that context before they had had sex. 

“You know Javier – he is smart—he thinks a lot, more than people think. But he too afraid to act,” she sighed. “He is afraid right now.” 

Yuzu thought about the time Javi put on his skates before Boston Worlds 2016, and how he could barely get them on because of the swelling in his foot. He had walked past Javi and the medical team struggling with it, and his eyes had been drawn to the large vein bulging on Javi’s right temple and the sweat pouring down his face. Yuzu had winced in sympathy, knowing how much it must have hurt. Yet, somehow, Javi had managed to get his skates on and skate a beautiful program. A gold medal winning program. Yuzu had been shocked. Yet a part of him could not forget the look on Javi’s face when he had been trying to get his skates on. 

Javi was one of the bravest individuals he knew. 

“Well, I decided to act for him,” Marina was saying, “Our children – we raise our kids in a whole family. Javi still involved. But he not happy right now. And that makes me, and the kids, unhappy.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” Yuzu had to make sure. Part of him still couldn’t believe they were having this conversation. Really, he shouldn’t have been surprised that the woman whom Javi had chosen to be his wife would go to such means to help Javi find what she believed to be happiness. He felt a wave of respect towards her. 

“I want you to talk to him,” she said quietly. “And take care of him. Javi is a good man.” She added, a thread of proud steel in her voice. 

She hung up the phone then. 

Yuzu canceled the rest of his media appointments that day.

*** 

“You didn’t have to do that,” Javi says softly. 

“Do what?” Yuzu is jolted back to the present. 

“You didn’t have to put yourself out there, to distract them away from me. I would have managed.” Javi is saying, sounding upset. “And then you were out of contact for weeks.” 

Yuzu isn’t sure how to reply. There had been no choice, really, in his mind.

“Marina called me.” He says instead, watching the colors change on Javi’s face. She hasn’t told him, then. 

“What did she say?” Yuzu can almost smell the fear in Javi’s voice. 

“She said we need to talk,” Yuzu says simply. 

He sees the agreement, but also fear, on Javi’s face. The same emotions echo in his own chest. 

This is hard, in a profession such as theirs. Yuzu had been taught from an early age, as had Javi, to present himself in a certain way to the judges. With every stretch of his free leg, every jump or spin, every impressive move he made on the field, he has been trained to turn to the judge’s side of the rink as if to say, “See what I’m doing? Have I exceeded your expectations?”

It makes what he is currently trying to do – pursue something that is truly from within himself – that much harder. 

Yet, with Javi, everything has been an exception. 

There had been a little stream with a bank behind Yuzu’s childhood home in Sendai. It had been comfortable and peaceful to sit along the bank, in the grass, and stare up at the clouds. Yuzu is a creature of comfort, and habit, and he enjoys being in his own protected world. There’s only been one person who has brought him out of that world each time, only to show him even better scenery. 

Javi. 

The first time, Yuzu had taken the leap of faith and left his comfortable life in Japan to live in an initially very uncomfortable life in Canada where he had to speak a language he didn’t understand, eat food he wasn’t used to, and immerse himself in a culture which confused him. All of this was in order to see the scenery of quadruple jumps Javi had to show him. The second time Javi brought him out of his comfort zone was in 2015, when Yuzu had been coming off the high of becoming 2014 Olympic champion, and Javi had kindly and gently shown him humility in the form of being beaten as World Champion. Yuzu had been shocked. He had allowed Javi to show him what it was like to watch the scenery alongside the champion, but to not be the champion himself. He learned, then, how to be truly happy for someone else’s win. 

Javi’s role in his life is undeniable, as is Javi himself. 

Now, because of Javi, Yuzu is contemplating another leap of faith. He has already taken half the leap for himself – but he can’t do the second half without Javi. 

All his life, Yuzu had gone after things he had really wanted with a passion. Yet there were the things he wanted which he could be open about, and the things he wanted which were his own business. 

Things he wanted openly were to win in skating. This was, in fact, encouraged by the whole world. This is what champions were supposed to do. 

Then there were the things he feels are his own business - getting the cute guy in passing to smile at him, binge watching anime episodes until he was satisfied, and...not until much later in life did he admit to himself - Javi. 

Javi is something he has always wanted, but never felt like he could have. Javi is the chocolate that is toothachingly sweet, the unattainable prize. 

Javi is something he can look at, but never touch. 

But what if that assumption is not true anymore? 

What if he can just reach out next to him, roll over sweetly, and touch Javi?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh....another chapter, and we are getting close to the end! I had actually intended just one more chapter, but it got to be too long, and thus we are left with this chapter and one more chapter to go. Sorry for the weird stopping point, but alas, the exciting stuff will be coming! 
> 
> Thanks for your support and for bearing with me through this painful story. I would love to hear your thoughts! Please - comment, kudos, flame, whatever!
> 
> Update 5/7: Ahhh, I am still alive! And the next chapter is alive and kicking as well. Real life has gotten the better of me, though, and so I'm still buried under mountains of work. It will be another few days before the next (and likely final) chapter comes out. Thanks for your patience!!


	6. Rejoice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Celebration is often the culmination of many years. Javi and Yuzu finish their talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The events and people in this fic are a product of my imagination only, and do not represent anything in real life.

Yuzu is brave. 

But sometimes, bravery is not enough. Love is necessary, too. Love alone has also not been enough. Both love and bravery are necessary – Yuzu thinks—and unfortunately, those two things had never quite coincided for him at the same time. Until now. 

When he was 16, Yuzu had learned how to stand with his shoulders back. It had been a major change in his world perspective. Now, he feels ready for another. 

It is time, he decides.

***

Javi looks at the conundrum of a man lying next to him, and it is all he can do to stop himself from shaking him, attacking him, kissing him. Yuzu is so beautiful and frustrating all at once.

Three weeks ago, Yuzu had told him he loved him, minutes before coming out to the whole world, alone. 

Javi has spent the past few weeks in agony. Initially, he had been furious at Yuzu. How dare he take all the responsibility unto himself. How dare he try to be the hero. How dare he be so frustratingly reckless. And brave. And…Yuzu-like. How dare he. 

This man who is so gorgeous and stubborn, who has proven again and again that he is too good for Javi. He has shown that he would throw away his gold medals, his reputation, for Javi.

Javi doesn’t even know where to begin. 

What is love anyway? Javi loves his family. He loves his children. He loves the mother of his children. There are many different types of love. 

And then there is Yuzu. 

The older Javi grows, the less importance he puts on defining relationships and the more he focuses on just people and what they mean to him. Yuzu, in particular. 

Truth be told, if he and Yuzu had not ventured the boundaries of romantic love, Javi would still have tried to keep Yuzu in his life, to bring him closer in any capacity. Their relationship transcends traditional boundaries. It simply is. There are children, a marriage, oceans and continents, years of estrangement between them. 

Yet here they still are. 

But Javi knows his feelings for Yuzu are as sure as his relationship with the ice – solid beneath his feet, spanning his memories as far back as can be relevant at this point. The cumulative sum of small moments built up over the years. Javi has been skating longer than he has been able to form memories. Yuzu has been in Javi’s emotional consciousness during most of Javi’s prime competitive years. It isn’t that Javi hasn’t had life experiences outside of Yuzu – quite the opposite – Javi likes to taste life as it comes, and that has resulted in Javi really being quite experienced in a lot of things. Yet, he’s still never met anyone quite like Yuzu. 

Javi doesn’t like to overthink things. Yuzu has been an exception – Javi has spent countless hours, days, years wondering what the significance of their time together has been. 

The physical intimacy which had occurred between them that one time, years ago, had been Javi’s wake-up call that their relationship could not be contained within ordinary boundaries. But it hadn’t been the beginning, nor the ending. 

Javi had tried his hardest to forget that night with Yuzu in Tokyo. It hadn’t been about the sex, although it had been the best sex of Javi’s life. It had been a glimpse into something even more frightening on a fundamental level – true happiness. It wasn’t just the transient romance of the moment, but a glimpse of a completeness that Javi had not been able to grasp until the moment he felt it. It had been like the moment in a dream when one realizes one’s deepest desire, and one’s heart is so full it could burst. It had brought tears to Javi’s eyes. He had woken up to cold reality the next morning, when Yuzu had refused to talk to him, and they had gone their separate ways. 

Javi had slowly forced himself to give up the hope, the possibility. After awhile, he had had his duties, his family. People who needed him. Pursuing Yuzu further would bear no fruit. 

However, then he had received the fateful text from Brian a year ago, gently informing him that Yuzu had had complications from surgery for appendicitis and was having a prolonged hospital stay. The news had Javi rushing off the ice during a class with his students and flying immediately to Japan. Javi had been surprised by the ferocity of his own reaction. He hadn’t examined closely whether it was appropriate for estranged teammates, nor had he had the time to look closely at his wife’s knowing face as she watched him pack his suitcase, their crying baby son in her arms. 

When he arrived, Javi had stood by Yuzu’s bedside, staring at Yuzu’s pale face, familiar yet altered in unconsciousness. His porcelain beauty had been refined by mature, masculine edges as he had aged, blending into a painfully familiar face. Javi could not imagine another five, ten, twenty years of only seeing this man at reunions and occasional skating shows, exchanging only distant text messages. His feelings for Yuzu bled into his daily existence, like a wound that could not heal.

Javi is not a planner, but that had been the day when he had first seriously contemplated implementing the half-joking idea they had entertained together during training. About building a joint skating school in Toronto. Javi wasn’t sure what he wanted from Yuzu, but he knew he could not allow any more years to pass between them. 

Without warning, the present Yuzu suddenly rolls over towards Javi and kisses him, his soft lips pressing firmly and tenderly against Javi’s. 

Javi shivers, the surprise quickly overpowered by the _want_. Oh, how much he has wanted this.

Javi has kissed many people in his life. Unromantically, kissing is just kissing. But kissing Yuzu also feels like something from Javi’s childhood — long, soft and velvety strokes of cat fur, ice cream after a long practice, rain after a long drought. Simultaneously, Javi feels like his soul is being embraced, held by Yuzu’s fierce spirit. 

It is like picking up something long forgotten. 

The cool Toronto spring breeze picks up around them. 

It is funny how a whole city can become a time capsule for them. Toronto was where the first spark of possibility between them had begun. The days and years spent training here had been so intense, and they had been so immersed in the day-to-day physical pain, that they had failed to notice it.

It seems ironic to Javi that they are doing this now, in Toronto. So many years sit between them, but they are still back to the beginning. 

A part of Javi resents the lost intervening years between them, the long years it had taken them to find each other again. A larger part of him accepts them as inevitable. 

Javi had needed those years of living back in Spain. He had needed to know what it was like. Reaping the rewards of the many years of hard work he had put in as a competitive skater. Pursuing his dream of promoting skating in Spain. Marrying and settling down. The kids— _oh, the kids_ —who have Javi’s heart and soul. 

However, no matter how much Javi loves his family, the part of him recognizes that he has been missing something fundamental all these years. 

Javi had underestimated the effects of Toronto, of Yuzu, on his own heart. 

It had taken Javi this long to get here, because real life is not a fairytale. It is messy. Javi still has many issues to sort out, back in Spain. But he will have time to address them, perhaps painfully and fairly. 

For now, there is only Yuzu and his warm lips. 

They finally break their kiss and gaze at each other silently. Yuzu looks at him wonderingly, before smirking a bit. Javi melts inside. Much to contrary belief, he is not immune to Yuzu’s charms—he is just better at hiding it than most. 

“You had better not do that too much with your fangirls,” Javi mutters, with not a small amount bit of jealousy. 

“You’re the jealous type?” Yuzu seems a bit surprised, also a bit delighted. “We are going to have a big problem, if that’s the case. But then I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, with Nathan—“ 

“I’ll manage.” Javi interrupts him quickly, grinding his teeth. 

Yuzu’s smirk softens into a grin, and he rolls on top of Javi, quickly settling himself and laying his head on Javi’s shoulder. They stay entangled there on the grass, just holding each other. The fire of jealousy quickly fads from Javi’s belly, replaced by the warmth of Yuzu’s firm yet compliant body, the fierce pride of having Yuzu like this. 

There is one thing, however, Javi has to say. 

“Yuzu…” He takes a deep breath, “—Yuzu, I had always thought you were too attached to the image of ‘Yuzuru Hanyu’ to live your life.” Javi takes a deep breath, “Over the years, I’ve realized I was wrong. Three weeks ago, you definitely proved me wrong.” 

Yuzu raises his head from Javi’s shoulder, hesitating. 

“Thank you for protecting me,” Javi says, lump in his throat. “I moved here for you, Yuzu. Three weeks ago, I would have tried to make it work with you even if you hadn’t proven anything to me.”

Yuzu gazes him seriously. “There was a period of time when I thought you wanted nothing to do with me. Not…related to that time in Tokyo. I mean.”

“Never,” Javi says fervently. “But I did need some time away, so that I can separate my identity as a skater from Yuzuru Hanyu.” 

This is one of the most revealing and honest conversations they have had in a long time, perhaps ever. 

Yuzu looks deeply offended. “Javi, you are my hero,” he says honestly, passionately, putting his head back down on Javi’s chest. “You deserve _every_ recognition, and more. I have nothing to do with it.” 

Javi feels incredible fondness bloom in his chest. For a single moment, he becomes acutely aware of the the sweet smell of spring soil, the tentative buds on the flowering tree in the corner of the enclosing, the birds chirping on its branches. He can feel the rise and fall of Yuzu’s breathing in sync with his, smell Yuzu’s scent mixing with the scent of spring. 

Javi feels...alive. Invigorated. Happy. 

“Hi, stranger,” he tilts his chin down and smiles at Yuzu. 

***

“Hi, stranger.” Javi smiles at him, incredibly open, wide and sweet. 

“Hi,” Yuzu returns the smile. He loves this man so much. As a friend, as a partner, as whatever he can get. Who else can get Yuzuru Hanyu into such a state, other than Javier Fernandez? 

Javi’s face is so close, and it is so simple for Yuzu kiss him again, this time a bit deeper. The pressure builds, and keeps going and going. 

Yuzu wants to run barefoot on the grass. Instead, he pushes Javi further into the ground with his weight, watching his soft brown curls mix with the moist spring grass. He can feel more than hear Javi’s gasp of surprise. Javi does not protest, however. He gazes up at Yuzu expectantly with his beautiful brown eyes, surely and warmly. 

They are free. 

So what if they had taken their time getting here? Here they are. 

Yuzu presses his head against Javi’s chest, and feels the wave of calmness and euphoria wash over him. Javi’s hand strokes his hair, his cheeks, gently and reverently. 

Yuzu leans into Javi's touch, closing his eyes in bliss. He likes to win. He feels like he has just won the biggest competition of all. 

Happiness is feeling fresh air coming through the window and not being afraid of the slight chill, but embracing it. Happiness is that little bit of blossom scent in the air, reminding him of the cherry blossoms in Japan kissing the riverbank. Happiness is the ending note of a beautiful song ringing out in perfect clarity through a quality pair of headphones. Happiness is even just the little cafe in the corner of his new street in Toronto where he is happily anonymous and no one ever recognizes him. Happiness is a lot of things, and Yuzu finally feels receptive to it. 

Javi’s gentle hand on the small of his back brings him back to the present, and Yuzu feels his face light up in the smile he reserves only for Javi, even after all this time. Then he rolls off Javi, and finds the other’s hand in the grass next to his, squeezing tightly. 

Together, they stare up at the expanse of the endless blue sky. 

This is the start of something new. 

They are going to be just fine. 

***

It doesn’t feel like the first time. 

Although the fire is still lit between them, they are both older now, more scarred but also more appreciative of the gift they are giving each other through their bodies. 

They take turns, and in their second round, Yuzu feels himself getting lost in Javi’s body, marveling at the honest and appreciative reactions he is able to elicit from his partner. Javi’s openness is even more apparent in this setting than ever, and Yuzu feels something primal inside of him respond, drilling deeper into the precious person beneath him. The next round, Yuzu is back on his back again, and he revels in putting his arms around Javi’s neck as he is taken roughly and sweetly, enjoying the wet kisses along his outstretched neck and the moans being ripped out of his throat. 

The sex is every bit as amazing as he remembers. 

Javi kisses are like his smiles. Easy, warm, generous and comforting. Yuzu can get used to a lifetime of kisses like this. 

Javi’s hugs are like home. Even though their homelands are so different, home also feels like Toronto these days. 

Together, they have created this sense of home. Home is the flat they now share together, several months after Javi had settled his affairs in Spain. Home is Javi’s poor taste in furniture and Yuzu’s painstaking meticulousness when decorating every inch of their environment, their combined natures resulting in an eclectic blend of their two personalities and experiences. 

***

Sharing a bed just to go to sleep together is also unexpectedly intimate. Yuzu waits in bed, long limbs stretched out over the new covers they chose together, listening to the domestic sounds of Javi’s bedtime routine. The bed sinks with Javi’s weight, and Yuzu crawls over and drapes himself over a receptive Javi. They cuddle and fall asleep together. 

They have different life rhythms and hobbies, more so than one would expect for two ice skaters, but they manage. 

They are pleasantly surprised to find out that they have more in common than not. Contrary to popular belief, Yuzu is actually not a morning person. He enjoys staying up late to read, listen to music, or unwind with video games. It is widely known that Javi is also not a morning person. He likes to stay up late catching up on social media and his Spanish TV dramas. 

They keep each other company late into the night sometimes, each person doing his own thing. They sit on their couch, shoulders touching or legs overlapping, occasionally laughing out loud and engaging the other in conversation. Javi follows quite a few “trashy” dramas in English, and he manages to drag Yuzu into a fair number of them. Yuzu doesn’t have to drag Javi at all to get him to join in on video games. 

In the mornings, they both like waking up relatively late, and although Yuzu is able to get himself out of bed fairly soon after waking, Javi loves to linger. They say you gradually grow more like the people you spend time around, and Javi is fairly successful at dragging Yuzu back to bed more often than not these days. Yuzu can easily give in to the warmth of the bed and Javi’s body, allowing another several hours to pass by on lazy weekend mornings. Sometimes, they play video games together in the morning too. This is another one of Javi’s little habits that Yuzu has picked up. 

Yuzu is messier than most people believe. He lived with his mother well into his 20’s, and has only started to pick up domestic skills the past few years. He isn’t lazy, but he does the minimum amount of domestic work possible to get by. Javi on the other hand, has been living by himself since his teens, and had a fairly formidable set of domestic skills. In his previous marriage, Javi and his ex-wife had shared the domestic chores evenly. In comparison, it takes some getting used to living with Yuzu in this aspect. They even have a number of small fights until they solved their issue by hiring a cleaner. It is worth the investment in their happiness, they decide. With this resolution, they quickly move on to other things. 

Yuzu discovers that Javi is a terrible grocery shopper. He always buys much more food than necessary, resulting in spoiled food in fridge. In comparison, Yuzu is terrifyingly efficient with a shopping list. Javi discovers that Yuzu is a terrible cook. He has a secret sweet tooth, and can never seem to find the right balance of savory and sweet in his dishes, resulting in terrible culinary disasters. In comparison, Javi can cook delicious multi-cultural meals, a product of Javi’s interactions with friends and girlfriends over the years. They jointly decide that Yuzu should do the shopping, and Javi should cook. 

Javi discovers that Yuzu’s obsession with music goes way deeper than he ever knew. Yuzu achieved fame at a very young age, and music had been his way of keeping his feet on the ground. This has resulted in a wide and diverse music collection, one for every one of Yuzu’s moods, of which there are many. Javi spends a fair amount of time getting to know Yuzu’s music, discovering new shades of Yuzu’s emotions along with it. 

They turn out to be great playmates in life, as they had been on the ice. 

Things aren’t perfect, but really, what is perfect anyway? Isn’t perfect being able to sit together quietly on the couch, new kitten between them, absorbed in silent enjoyment of each other’s company? Isn’t perfect waking up slowly to lazy kisses and even lazier Sunday morning sex? Isn’t perfect going out together, hand-in-hand, joking around at the mall, stopping by the sports attire store and Javi teasing Yuzu that nothing in the men’s section in Canada ever seemed to fit him because he is so thin? Isn’t perfect going over to Brian’s house for dinner together, bantering over the best wine to bring, showing up with frost on their noses and being offered a hot drink upon stepping inside? 

Perfect is finding each other, sharing these little things with the perfect person. 

***

The first time they have a serious disagreement, it is about the direction and training of one of their skaters at their school. This is a milestone – of sorts. They spend hours in “discussion”, before they finally decide to go to bed and leave it for the next day. The next day, they still can’t agree, and Yuzu spends a solid hour over lunch pouting about it until Javi finally apologizes. Yet, they still can’t settle on a compromise about the issue, and nothing is resolved. Finally, they decided to call up Brian and Tracy for advice. It is amazing, in retrospect, how Brian and Tracy had made their training partnership work for decades. 

“Just try both methods out,” Tracy counsels them gently, “Let the skater’s experience declare what works and doesn’t work. Usually, the answer is somewhere in between.” 

And indeed, it is. 

***

The first time Yuzu meets Javi’s eldest – Sara—he knows he is in serious trouble.

At four years of age, Sara has the best features of both her parents – Javi’s doe-like brown eyes and her mother’s gorgeous smile. She has an ease and charm about her that Yuzu knows will have the boys swooning when she hits the right age. 

Yuzu has always loved kids, and he knows is going to spoil her. 

It is summer vacation, and the agreement is that Javi will have the kids over the summer. His younger child—Ian—will stay with his mother this summer because he’s still too young. But Sara—she is all theirs for now. 

Yuzu spends hours rolling around with her on their carpet, squishing her apple-soft cheeks, making her laugh with poor renditions of the song from “Frozen”. 

It is an open secret that although Yuzu loves music, he can’t hold a pitch to save his life. Sara doesn’t mind, and she happily joins him on the carpet. 

She is all openness and light, the best parts of Javi’s personality. 

Yuzu loves her for it. 

***

The following spring, Yuzu remembers an exhibition program he performed years ago – “Haru yo Koi” or “Spring Will Come.” 

Yuzu recalls constructing it when he had been feeling depressed. He had announced to his fans that he wanted to welcome spring and renewal. 

That had been an ideal. 

At the time, Yuzu had actually been coming from a dark place. He had been missing Javi, who had just retired. Every day, he had dragged himself to a rink which had felt too large without Javi. 

He had been lost. 

It was silly, but his image of this song had been him dancing along the cherry blossoms, his partner at his side. At the time, Yuzu had been too afraid to imagine that it was Javi dancing with him. 

Now, it was so obvious that he had been thinking of Javi.

It had always been about Javi. 

***

Javi is of the belief that anything can happen in life. Probability? Yes, it’s true that given all the obstacles, the chances of him and Yuzu ending up where they are now had been low. However, Javi never likes to rule out possibilities entirely. And somehow, against all odds, they are here now. 

Fantasy on Ice. Sendai. This has become their show. 

The music of “Haru yo Koi” opens, and Yuzu has his eyes closed, arms open, as if welcoming the spring. Perhaps he is also welcoming someone – an unseen lover. 

The clean sounds of his blades on the ice indicated the strength of his edges. Javi joins him then, to the appreciative delight of the audience, his own skating sounds joining Yuzu’s. Tracy’s years of edge classes are woven deeply within the fabric of both their skating. 

They both felt the exhilaration of the wind through their hair, the speed of their blades carrying them across the ice. 

Triple loops in sync. The audience roars. 

Yuzu’s face lights up with warmth and love, the way Javi had never seen it during their competitive years. Or perhaps, it had always been there. 

When you skate with someone, you become intimately connected with them, and you learn all their little habits. Javi knows of all of Yuzu’s little habits – the way he always leaves his water bottle in a certain position relative to Pooh at the boards. The way he actually secretly hates warming up, but has had to learn the hard way over the years to take things step by step in order to protect his body. The way he always turns his head a bit to the opposite direction before rotating into a triple or quad. Javi knows the shape of Yuzu out of the corner of his eye like the back of his hand – the culmination of years of pretending not to look while looking. 

But now, Javi can do all the things that he held back from doing all those years ago. He can openly kiss Yuzu in public. He can let his hands linger on Yuzu’s back, shoulders and waist, just like when they had first met. He can gently brush his hands on Yuzu’s hair and face. He can openly appreciate Yuzu's triple axel.

 _There_ is that gorgeous triple axel. A living, breathing thing in its beauty. Javi watches with gleaming eyes as he does his backward crossovers, a bit of dampness in his eyes which he ascribes to the sweat pouring down his face. 

In response, Javi feels that old pull, pushing him to higher heights in Yuzu’s presence even in retirement. He lands his quad salchow, and it is still nothing to be ashamed of. Javi has fought tooth and nail to maintain his physical shape enough to keep this jump when it mattered, and he is still so proud of it. The appreciative gleam in Yuzu’s eyes seems to be in agreement. 

This particular version of the instrumental had been recorded purely for Yuzu, and the notes of the piano rise to a crescendo. 

Javi recalls watching the program years ago, and Yuzu had looked a bit lonely on the ice. This time, he isn’t dancing alone. Javi’s hand brushes Yuzu’s waist as they skate past each other. 

The hydroblade. Javi remembers this was when Yuzu kissed the ice at Worlds 2019. Yuzu doesn’t kiss the ice this time. Instead, he stands up and tilts his head playfully at Javi, as Javi pulls him close by the waist before twirling him, not breaking eye contact. Neither of them are pairs skaters, but they can manage this simple choreography. 

Yuzu’s costume feels as weightless as it looks, and the now familiar scent of him makes Javi feel drunk. 

Javi is old enough to know the weight of _forever_. He knows the uncertainty of its use – the accompanying small disappointments, the major heartbreaks, and just sometimes the sheer wear and monotony of daily life. These things can weigh down even the strongest of relationships.

All Javi knows is, he wishes to skate with Yuzu, forever. 

It is time. 

He pulls out the small object tucked away in his costume pocket—something round and golden. Gold is the only color Javi could imagine for Yuzu.

“There is no night without dawn,” Yuzu had told him once, all serious light glinting in his eyes. 

The last notes of the song fades, and the spotlight is on them. The audience holds its breath, sensing something momentous is about to occur. 

Javi gets down on one knee. He sees the realization dawn on Yuzu’s face, like the sun breaking through clouds. He makes a small choking noise in his throat. 

“Will you marry me?” Javi asks. 

....A pause, when the world seems to tilt.

And suddenly, he has an armful of crying Yuzu. 

Staggering backwards only a little, Javi maintains his balance and holds Yuzu’s weight steady. 

He can barely hear anything at all, over the thunderous roaring of the audience. 

In his ear, Yuzu is sobbing, “Yes yes, _Habi, yes_!”

Joy fills Javi’s heart, connected with Yuzu’s the way it’s always been. 

Spring has finally come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading with me in this journey. Your support has meant so much to me. Please comment, kudos, and/or flame. Feedback appreciated!
> 
> Addendum: "Something round and golden" was indeed a YOI reference. Thank you, whosays_penultimate, for being observant as always and noticing! :)

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the ["Haru yo Koi"](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1324742) series, which is now complete.


End file.
